The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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