I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
