I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize