i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
