I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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