I never want to see another naked old woman again.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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