Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
