4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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