the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
