i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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