I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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