Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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