I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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