i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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