Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
