If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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