Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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