My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
