I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
