I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
