Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
