when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
