there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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