Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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