I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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