I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize