I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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