I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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