is your mom at the bar?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
