I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dicks are not precious.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
