Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize