I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
