I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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