she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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