If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
