I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i think im in europe. pls send help
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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