Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
