he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
