My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ketchup is God's man juice
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
