i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
