John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
