I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Randomize
