I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
