i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
