I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
