even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
