I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
