New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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