Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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