I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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