She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
third nipple confirmed
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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