My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I will pee on everything he values.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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