he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
