I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
