so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
