He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
