We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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