Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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