Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
