where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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