Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
