My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
