I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
